Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
