Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
3pm strippers are depressing
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
