apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
