I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
