fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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