shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
