It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You are a genius and a whore.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
