Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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