There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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