I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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