Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
