dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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