I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
