I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Barsexuality is the new black.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
