I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
