I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
