literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
