I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
