threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
A+ Viking dick
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
