Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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