dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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