my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Everclear isn't food dammit
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
