If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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