i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
