when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
