when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
