I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
