Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
