dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
