I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
