I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
