Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
