i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
