The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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