you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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