Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
