so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
