3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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