My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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