Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
