just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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