if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
