im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
