She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I deserve this hangover.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
