and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
