It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
