By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
