I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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