I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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