I wish I could teleport
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
