btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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