I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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