So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
